I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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