i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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