my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize