so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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