Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
