It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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