I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
