Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Life is so much better after having sex.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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