she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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