i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
