The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
