Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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