oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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