Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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