i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
