"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
