At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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