JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
