Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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