Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
