Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
