I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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