rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
