like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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