I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
True strength comes from lack of pants
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
