dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
