i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
