oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
