I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
