I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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