I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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