put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
