I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Your cock deserves a montage
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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