We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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