I cannot find my penis.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
