You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
