she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
sarcasm needs its own font
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
