Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
well you can't waste a boner
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
