my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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