And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
