Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
