I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
