omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
