Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
