I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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