I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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