He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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