She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
