i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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