There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
