I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
