Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
