i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
