Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When are your genitals available?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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