o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
