My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize