Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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