Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
