you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize