guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
