My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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