Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
